I created this blog, well because a lot of my friends have blogs and they are interesting to read...and thought i'd give it a twirl! :) So here goes.
jeal·ous
[jel-uh
s]
s] adjective
1. feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of )
2. feeling resentment because of another's success, advantage, etc. (often followed by of )
3. characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment
4. inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims
5. solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something
I have never really been a jealous person. I don't care what others have compared to what I have.
Until now, until the day I became a mother.
I've cried everyday from the day I brought my son home...till today. I DID NOT want to go back to work...but unfortunately, being a stay at home mom was not in my books or mine & my fiances budget. As the days came closer to me having to go back to work...my sadness of not being able to stay at home became more of a jealousy towards those who do. Those who constantly post about how they love being a stay at home mommy on facebook and those who talk about it constantly. (Don't confuse jealousy with mad. jealous. I am...but mad. I am not. I would do the same thing if I were given the opportunity to be a stay at home mommy.)
I found myself asking & thinking, Why can't I stay home? Why do they get to stay home and I can't? Maybe if I didn't go to college and have all this college debt, then I could stay home. I am a good person, and a good mom..so why don't I deserve the chance to get to stay home and raise my son?
All these questions I asked...I knew there was no answer that could be told to me that I would accept. Except the one allowing me to stay home. Well as you can tell by the title of my blog...This.Never.Happened.
I have been working full time since my son turned 12 weeks old. Those parents that tell me it gets easier to leave him every day. ARE.LIARS. It doesn't. It breaks my heart a little more EVERY day to drop him off at day care (don't get me wrong, my son has the most AMAZING lady who watches him and he absolutley LOVES going there). But it still doesn't get easier.
So I have worked VERY hard DAILY to turn my jealousy into something else. What that something else is...I don't know. :) But I have found my jealousy to dwindle and have started to cherish the moments I spend with my son MORE and MORE, since I am not allowed to spend every waking momment with him. I am turning the jealousy into happiness. PURE happiness for the greatest gift god has EVER given me. my son.
So for now...I will continue to do the job of a stay at home mommy AND a working mommy. I will wake up every night and rock or feed my baby (given it is my night, not my fiances night for baby duties :)). I will get up at the ass crack of dawn to shower and get myself ready for work. I will pack lunches for the day. I will feed my baby breakfast and get him ready for the day and take him to day care. I will work 8+ hours a day (meanwhile missing my son every second of the day I am without him). I will leave work and take on my 3rd role of a soon-2-b wife, go grocery shopping & pick up my sweet baby and go home. But jsut because my day of a working mommy is over, doesn't mean my day of a stay at home mommy is. So I will make dinner, eat dinner, do dinner dishes, do laundry, play with my son, bathe my son & run any errands necessary (since I was working all day). Read books to my baby and rock him to sleep. Never would I imagine being able to nap. AFTER all of this, then and only then, I will sit down take a breath and plan how I will do it all again tomorrow. {{...did i mention i am also planning a wedding :)...}}
*Super-mommy has a NEW definition*
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